Back to School Blunders

So... just like most of the world, we are back to school here in Japan.

Unlike the U.S., Japan starts the beginning of its new semester with pomp and circumstance.  Speeches and ceremonies are the name of the game.  Having successfully given a speech in Japanese at two different schools, I thought perhaps the school year was off to a good start.

blah blah blah in Japanese.:)

Then, I met my new arch-nemesis... the electronic dictionary (cue some lame, ominous sounding music.... here.)

I think it has a diabolical plan to ruin every relationship I try so hard to develop with my co-workers.

It's first meeting with me was harmless... or so it seemed.  Innocently meeting with the three highest ranking people in my school, it ventured out of my principal's pocket to helpfully translate a burning question.

Very seriously and carefully, my principal read what the dictionary dutifully printed, and asked me, "WHAT is your PROBLEM?"  in perfectly inflected English.  After staring at him like a deer in the headlights for a good five seconds, I busted out laughing.  

As soon as I started, I hastily tried to cover up my error by apologizing in every way I could think of repeatedly in Japanese.  I think my face was as red as that man giving a speech up above.  My principal cocked his head sideways and stared at me impassively, with no response or cues given from the other two men present.

It took all of my considerable self control not to start crying on the spot.  Awkwardly, my principal went back to his desk and the other two gentlemen made to act busy by shuffling papers purposefully while we continued to wait for my late English teacher.

What I was doing in my head...

Today, the little electronic bastard reared it's ugly head again at lunch, as I flew solo without any English speakers present during lunch with the other teachers in the teacher's room.  

For some strange reason, no one ever just tries to speak English to me, or even Japanese.  They automatically resort to the electronic dictionary.  I think it has brainwashed them, or sends electronic subliminal messages every time you look at it.  I can think of no other explanation for the addiction.

So randomly, with no context whatsoever, one of the teachers hands me the translator with this translation, "cash gifts for condolences."  

I stare at them, wondering why the he** I am given this random message.

Then, it occurs to me that one of the staff's family is very ill, and probably will pass this week.  I ask in Japanese if the money is for him.  They nod yes.  I ask how much, and they tell me.  Then, I ask if I should give it to him myself, or if we are all giving it to them together.  This was a bad translation, and no one understood.  

When lunch was finished, I asked the nurse to come view what I had typed on Google translator.  She immediately started laughing hysterically and called every other person in the vicinity over to witness this massively hilarious Japanese translation.  

I asked her why it was so funny, and she apologized and walked away, along with everyone else.

I am left sitting at the desk feeling slightly offended and mostly confused about who the heck I am supposed to be paying money to now, if anyone.

No one talks to me the rest of the day, and I finally grab my English teacher to ask what that was all about.

Turns out, it had nothing to do with anyone.  They were simply asking for money for the tea and snacks we have every morning.  I know the word for tea, food, to pay, money, etc. in Japanese!  In a slightly irritated manner, I asked my English teacher to please ask the staff to speak to me in Japanese, as I explained to him what the electronic dictionary had decided was the appropriate translation.  He too, started laughing, and said he would apologize to them for me.  

Yes, I am very sorry I don't understand bad English translations from evil, manipulative electronic devices.  

Sigh.