Year 3

Summer “vacation” is upon us here in Nagano, which means I have 3 weeks of sitting in a hot office and pretending I have things to do.  So, it’s also a good time to catch up on blog posts and reflect on life.:)

This past week was the start of my third and final year in Japan.  To say I have conflicting feelings is a bit of an understatement.  I think the more accurate description is my feelings ricochet wildly from almost being in tears at the prospect of one more year pretending to have a purpose in a place I’m not wanted or needed (i.e. Friday morning at the first semester’s closing ceremonies) to being borderline obsessed with soaking in as much of this amazingly beautiful country as possible before I’m back to sweating in St. Louis’s humidity, smog, and suburban horrors.

So as is so often the case with life, it’s best to make a list of pros and cons and go from there.  It’s nice to end on a positive note, so let’s just throw all the stuff I’m NOT looking forward to this coming year out there straightaway.

1. Restraint, rules and bad attitudes

            I’m terrible at hiding my feelings, prone to speaking without thinking, asking more questions than is strictly necessary, and arguing about everything.  In my school, it’s all restraint all the time—it’s a rare day I manage to not slightly offend someone.

            I thought this would get easier with time, but it only gets harder.  Particularly at school, since I have been at the school longer than half the teachers, their expectations of me are much higher than those of the previous teachers, especially regarding language and customs.  But the levels of formality that exist in Japan are much greater than those in America, and though I recognize these levels when used by others, I am nowhere near skilled enough to use them much myself.

 I’m even more unsure of what my role should be, and with each crop of new teachers that arrives, people talk to me less and less.  Last year, I lost the 3 people at school who comprised my support system all at once (a support system that was so weak, I never realized I had it until it was gone), which leaves me having to bow and scrape to teachers who have made themselves less approachable when I need help.  Most days, I have fantasies about shaking everyone violently and asking them if they are Vulcans.

2. Too much time

            98% of the things I am not looking forward to this last year are work-related.  The number two thing I hate about my job is too much time on my hands and not enough responsibility.  I thrive on multi-tasking and thinking fast, which is why I love teaching in an elementary classroom, where you are always troubleshooting lesson plans gone wrong or students misbehaving.  Teaching junior high in my school is about as interesting as watching paint dry most days.

3. My junior high 3^rd graders graduating

            This class has been my favorite since I first came to Ikusaka.  They were first graders then, and unlike most classes, haven’t mellowed much with age.  Genki, outspoken, interested in English…. There isn’t a thing I would change about this class.  When they leave, the school will literally be a whole lot quieter—and lonelier.

4. Fear of unemployment

            A and I both tried looking for jobs for some time before leaving St. Louis, and we struck out.  But this time, striking out isn’t an option, and our past failures loom in front of us like giant walls.  What do we do if we can’t find good paying jobs?  We’re married with two cats—we’re too old and have too much baggage (literally) to move back in with our parents, as many do when returning from living abroad.  The prospect of failure is at times absolutely terrifying, and it’s so tempting to try to avoid making such a risky change.

5. “Fun” is a four letter word

            I wish I could video one of our “pep rallies”.  It involves getting yelled at by a cheer team while waving one`s arm rigidly forward and back and screaming the school song.  If you don’t sing loudly enough or don’t wave rigidly enough, you are forced to do it over and over again until it meets with the cheer team’s requirements.  The team being cheered at must stand like soldiers on the stage devoid of emotion while this is occurring.  I’ve always wondered if the students actually find this motivating…

            Friday was the last day of school before summer vacation.  You would never know it.  Nothing special in any of the classes, no parties, music, excitement—nothing. While it’s true most of the students will be at school for bukatsu or studying at jukus over “vacation”, still, you’d think they’d be at least a little happy.

            But here, fun is a four letter word.  If it’s fun, it’s not allowed.  Just rules, discipline, rigidity and long boring speeches. 

Practicing balance in Okinawa

            I know this sounds judgmental.  It’s not meant to be interpreted as such.  Merely, I have decided the values espoused here are not ones that are meaningful to me.  I like fun *and* discipline, rules *and* occasionally giving a little slack, working hard *and* relaxing.  Life is about balance, and here balance is extremely difficult to practice.

But despite all of these things, every time I drive home from pretty much anywhere, I have to smile at how beautiful it all is.  The number one thing I will miss about Japan is obviously:

1. Nature

Trail running this weekend.

            Nagano is where I would live if I could live anywhere in the world.  I wish I could pick it up and just take it with me to America.  It’s so easy to take for granted that 3000m+ mountains are less than an hour’s drive away, beautiful rivers, ravines, lakes and the sea, trail running, wild animals in your backyard, flowers, green, space… I love everything and the thought of leaving it hurts my heart.  I remind myself every day to smile and be thankful for what I’ve been given.

2. Transportation

            Japan has a fantastic system of trains and buses that go everywhere and are almost always on time.  The one time I rode the Amtrak train it was dirty, out of food and drinks, filled with smelly drunk people, and so late A nearly missed his flight.  I will never ride it again (sorry Amtrak, no second chances after that disaster). 

3. Customer Service

            Japanese customer service’s reputation is well-deserved.  Even what would be considered “menial” jobs like sales clerks, gasoline attendants, etc. are unfailingly polite, helpful, and well-groomed.  Especially as a foreigner who doesn’t always understand the language or customs, Japanese people are much more patient than most Americans will ever be.   

4. Friends
         
           In America, I was always busy.  I never had time to make any good friends that I saw regularly.  But here in Japan, I have more time than I need, which has taught me to appreciate the value in friendship.  Especially as an outsider working in a job with little support, I rely much more on my support system than I ever did in America.  I hope my friends know how much I appreciate them, because I sorely underestimated the challenges of living abroad...and there's no way I could have made it this far without you guys.  (kisses, kisses!:)

Cheers to one more year!