Feisty February

February has started out with a bang.  I put the kabosh on my student's disrespectful behavior and bullying, pushed back against my supervisors, have stayed firm in my relationship standards and now I'm standing up for myself personally.

My mama is the best mama, and I would have been
 lost without her support.  She knows how to dance in
the rain--literally, as this picture proves. lol

Recently, it was brought to my attention that a lot of my acquaintances were taking "sides" between myself and my ex-husband.  One of the most frustrating things I've found in the whole divorce process is the lack of understanding from others.  People have this idea that people who are divorced loathe their former spouses and are now traipsing through the daisies happily celebrating their newfound freedom.  That, or their divorce and marital happiness is somehow "contagious" and that by merely being in your presence they might "catch it" and find themselves out on the streets.  The third camp thinks it's inappropriate to even be discussing relationships in public, and have probably quit reading this post already.

Giant eye-roll emoji to all three of those. My ex-husband and I do not hate each other, and as far as either of us are concerned, there aren't any "sides". Relationships change over time.  Sometimes those changes bring people closer and sometimes they bring people further apart.  It takes courage and self awareness to realize when it's time to end one version of a relationship because it is no longer the best way for two people to be interacting.

Other people's perceptions of divorce made me woefully under prepared for how to deal with mine.  I did not realize it meant a change in my very identity--I used to be a wife, now I'm not; I used to be married, now I'm single; I used to have financial security, now I don't; I used to have a guaranteed someone to call for help, now I'm on my own.

I was unaware of how badly I was coping with this identity change until I ended a bad rebound/friendship at the end of December.  I took a month to "detox" from men and didn't have any contact with anyone I'd had a relationship with for the entirety of January.  It forced me to see things I did not want to see, and admit the real reasons I was so upset at my former friend.

I know how to make fire.  Don't mess with me.

 I'd met this friend when I first came to Colorado three years ago; and he seemed trustworthy and likable.  We'd met a couple times after races, but really didn't know each other much beyond following each other on social media.  In the fall, he started talking to me more regularly and commenting on my social media posts.  We started running together and found out we were both ending/had ended relationships.  Things started escalating in the usual way, and our friendship evolved.

This isn't the forum to talk about the gritty details, but things went badly for several months as I tried to figure out what was going on with my former friend who didn't want to be in a relationship but still wanted all the benefits.  We fought about numerous things, finally culminating in finding out from a mutual friend that he had been with his girlfriend most of the time he'd been seeing me, and had kept me in the dark, on the side, on purpose.

 I suspected for months he was with his girlfriend. I was given so many warning signs about the kind of guy he was before we even got together. But I ignored everything, because I was lonely and sad. And he knew that too.

The nicest thing I can say is he's a bad guy.  He probably has some serious trauma in his life he hasn't dealt with that is preventing him from healthy relationships.  I feel bad for him, and I wish him healing.

But I also feel passionate dislike, because I hate who I became when I was with him.  Never in my life have I allowed anyone to treat me so disrespectfully.  I broke every standard I ever had for people, much less personal relationships, and I behaved like the weak-willed, spineless, cowardly women I've loathed my entire life.  Thinking of him makes me want to throw my phone across the room--not because of him, but because his existence is a reminder of my own humiliating behavior.

How I feel when I think of my former friend. :P

People talk about forgiveness in relationships.  I have no need to forgive my former friend, and I'm certain he does not need it. There are probably reasons he behaved like he did in which I am not interested.  I'm a firm believer in karma.  If he continues this behavior with others, his life will be a bummer.  I hope maybe he learned as much from this experience as I did and considers making changes of his own.

Who I need to forgive is myself.  I've always been proud of my independence and strong will, and my behavior the second half of 2017 makes me want to bury my head in the sand and never come out.  I'm embarrassed for how I behaved with my former friend, but I'm also embarrassed I wasn't strong enough to handle my divorce without falling apart into a million pieces.

Some people might see this post as entirely self serving.  And it most definitely is therapeutic for me to get all of this out in the open, whether people want to hear it or not.

But mostly, I wish I'd had someone to write this post a couple months ago so I didn't have to feel so alone.  If I would have known there were others who had struggled like I had, if I would have had some hope and inspiration--maybe I would have been strong enough to make some better choices.  I hope someone who needs to hear an experience like mine is able to find this post, and it helps them on their journey.

I am enough.  And so are you.  Hugs. :)